bald
I don't feel like I have something partticular to say today, but I felt like I should come back here. I don't remember what I wrote about last time and I don't want to reread my old posts, I don't want to influence my new thoughts.
I do feel like I keep running away from this blog. I think I have mentioned it before but something about making these thoughts more real terrifies me. More than that fear though lately I've had the thought of regret. If something happened to me tomorrow what would I regret? There will always be things you cannot change but there's plenty you can still do. I feel a sense of despair that I didn't have the knowledge or the environment to question things before. I was so disconnected from my physical self that I never felt that apparent discomfort people talk about. It was always more convoluted than that. I was just completely disconnected to the concept of gender at all instead of feeling like there was something I was supposed to be. The more I focus on the reality of my existence though... The more uncomfortable I become. I can't do anything about the youth I didn't experience to my full potential, but I feel as though I would in fact regret not doing anything now. While I still have spark left to enjoy as a true comfortable self.
I'm not entirely sure what my idea of true self should be but there are definitely a few things I know I want. The most apparent thing to me is how much I do not want breasts, how they have never actually felt like part of my body. Just some foreign object that I've never actually gotten accustomed to the weight of... They never bacame part of my body. No other part of me feels this way. Even gaining weight or growing hair it becomes part of you at a point? Not my chest though. It just feels like I'm wearing them. Binding is painful and the results are unsatisfactory. I feel more confident when I do bind, but it causes so much pain to my shoulders in particular it isn't worth it to lose my functionality. So I just try and ignore them as I always have but I'm always too conscious of them...
The other thing I think about a lot is bottom growth... The idea of it fills me with a fantasy of the euphoria it would give me. I think of all the changes hrt could give me aside from assistance in my muscle and fat distribution this is the one I think about the most. It would just make me so happy for myself. I don't even know if it would affect my sexuality or not. For the past decade I've been aligned with asexual aside from dabbling with a partner at one point. I've wondered though, if I was more comfortable, in sync with my body, would that change? If I felt I was more my self would I feel more desire to be intimate with others? It might be the case. I feel like the biggest thing keeping me disinterested is the idea with someone interacting with my body. In the instance of me dabbling again I was the one doing the active role, and I didn't receive anything. The idea of someone interacting with my body in that way is repulsive to me. I really wonder though, if I was seen as a man would it be more comfortable? The sexual aspects of that don't matter that much to me but I do wonder. I know in the regular everyday sense, being seen as male, being sir'd and good boy'd and such is really euphoric.
When I think about things I don't want it's all mostly hair related. I don't want to be bald, I don't really want a lot of hair. The body hair bothers me less but being bald is a horrific concept to me. Ultimately though just some low stakes stuff. I think very few people want to be bald regardless though so whatever. Also afik it doesn't run in either side of my family. I could deal with being a gorilla as long as I don't go bald probably.
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