sieve
I had a lot of different thoughts I wanted to try and work through the past few weeks... Of course as soon as I sit down here to try and write through any of it, all of it seems to have dribbled out the hole in the back of my head.
I guess one thing I can remember right away is realizing just how alone I've become. Like, it's mostly always been that way, I just have a really hard time bridging that connection with other people... When I was younger, despite being aggressively bullied I was part of a small group of friends. We all lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same school, that kind of thing. I never quite... Fit with them though. It was wasy to be a part of, nothing was all that deep. We didn't have the same interests at all, they would want to play with Bratz dolls, Barbies, play pretend highschool... I wanted to play one girl's copy of DOA Beach Volleyball a bit too eagerly for her liking. When J joined the group much later it changed. She had the same interests as me? I don't know how conscious it was but I realized how much it mattered to me that there was a similar ground. Part of it was surely that we went to different highschools but I didn't keep up with the other girls.
Oh I think this made me remember what I was thinking about all month. About how shit I am and I don't think I've ever been a good friend to anyone. Also I don't think I've ever actually been open with anyone. At least not recently. I don't tell anyone how I feel, ever. I think therapy is making me realize this.
It's time for therapy now, so I'm going.
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