Dilate
I just had my eyes dilated so maybe this isn't the best time to try and update again, but I napped at a weird hour so I need to waste some energy and try and sleep. I actually wrote most of this a few days ago on my phone in flow of consciousness so it might end up being different, since previously it was direct. I'm going to try and write more often. Maybe more regular things too, try and help my memory and valuing more of my time instead of it passing like fog.
I had a lot of self doubt the other day, about a lot of things. It wound up only geting worse after I initially expressed the feelings because of other occurances. I was feeling really gung-ho about finally starting my pile of doujins I wanted to do, I would start on my dream cosplay, finally finish unpacking my room... Then I couldn't even manage to draw a face. The one thing that it's a joke that some people fill sketchbooks with only profile facing left... and it's one of the things that feels so difficult to remember my rules for. (I'm starting to get a little bit of a headache so I think I was right about this being unwise. lol)
Self doubt... I don't think I ever used to doubt myself. I was so sure I would manage to do what I set out to, even if by brute force struggling. A gift from you.
I think a little bit of doubt is a good thing, if you're too sure in your footing will you ever improve your step? To this degree tho... is only self sabotage. More thick mud to get stuck in, keeping you from moving forward. I never doubted that I deserved to succeed for my efforts either... but the same doesn't feel true anymore. I never doubted that you deserved the greatest success. You were always so inspiring to me and your vision was so different from mine, from anything I had ever seen before. I was always in awe of you. I haven't been able to look at your work now, but hopefully I can again soon. Altho I'm really not fond of a lot of the subject matter. It felt like though... From the start of our friendship you didn't feel the same. I'm sorry that no one around us seemed to be able to see what I did... I never understood it, I never will . It never felt like you felt joy for me, only a growing resentment every time I had success where you found resistance. I can't blame you for the negative feelings but I can admit that I was hurt by this too. This all fit neatly into the baggage I already came with. You can say I'm not longer there but if you never have the chance to recover do you actually ever leave? It felt like anything I ever got, anything I ever acheived, I didn't deserve. You deserved. I don't deserve anything. No matter how much I work to improve, no matter how hard it is for me, it's too little too late. I'm not allowed to move forward. I'm not allowed to get better. I'm not allowed to be a better person now.
I'm struggling to move past my guilt, self loathing. I'm finding it hard to reach out to others. To request company is to invite myself, and no one wants me around. I'm a bad friend and a selfish person. I don't know how I used to give so much of myself to others because I have no idea how to give even a little anymore. At this point I don't know if I'll be able to even give a little bit of me again. I'm feeling closed off, I don't even want to participate in the circles for things I'm so passionate about... I'm doubting if I should even have a partner, if that's even what we are at this point because I don't feel like I can reach out to them anymore. The communication line is severed and I don't know how to retie bridges. I specifically asked for time and messaging again is like a self invitation. I still haven't gotten to tell them that I officially came out on my birthday.
I've been a bit of a mental maelstrom. I should try to write more often. Sorry to no one in particular, me.
An aside after writing, rewriting and transferring- The eye exam today; I was told over a decade ago that I had advanced macular degeneration. I even went to a specialist to assess how bad it was and be told there were no treatments for young people, that I would essentially go blind early. I've been holding onto this all this time and trying to manage the anxiety. Today though they told me that my maculars look great? No sign of degeneration at all... There are some other issues to keep an eye on but nothing so bad. This is a nice positive to end on. Although fuck all the doctors that initially told me otherwise. Bastards.
20240705