Are you going to change your name?
No, I like my name.
This is the first thing my mother asked me when I told her I wanted this to be my first birthday. Carson has always just been Carson, as she says. My sister says she's always known that I'm not a girl. Previously, she had told me she wrote about me in her college paper on the subject of lgbt+;
Your closet was made of glass.
I've been living for most of my adult life in a state of "I don't care what pronouns anyone uses for me, it doesn't matter", never correcting whatever anyone used no matter what it was. Interestingly, I think most people tend to use "he" naturally... Not wrong I think.
I wasn't raised in a gendered way, if it wasn't already obvious from the name. I wonder now if it's part of why it's taken me so long to start to wonder. Not that I think it was a bad thing, ultimately. I'm so grateful that at least for a few years I got to truly be me and exist fully as myself, and that I was cherished as that. When it comes to the things I'm thinking about now though, it makes it a bit... muddy. When I hear other people talk about things like dysphoria they talk about a lot of forced gender things, how wrong it felt. I don't feel like I can relate to that, because I don't think there was ever an establishment of what I was supposed to be.
Add onto this misdiagnosed ADD/ADHD/autism/just thow them in special needs- whatever it actually was/is... (It feels like no one could actually decide what was wrong with me, I just wasn't "right") I didn't understand any social constructs, and in a lot of ways I feel like I still don't.
What am I doing?
Something really fucking strange to me.
I grew up in the dawn of it all, where you didn't put any information about yourself online. For the most part, this is something that I still abide by, other than people I come to consider friends. I don't intend to connect this to my existing online persona. Rather a public, private, secret place to try and sort out what it is I see when I look in the water's reflection under the mud. There are very few people who I think may be able to find this and know who I am, and if you do I think that's fine but I hope you'll respect this quiet place. I do wonder tho, if one day I truly feel at home in myself, will this change? If all aspects of myself are aligned? I do not know.
So, plainly, I would say the purpose of this is a journal. I wanted to make it as something of substance like this, real, seen. I'm not sure how to explain it but doing it this way feels correct. My intent is to try to actually look at myself, something I feel like I've never truly done, in a permanent state of escapism. I need to unpack all my thoughts and feelings and separate them from the influence of fear or judgement.
The subject I'm going into this with the intention of is gender, but other topics might happen too. I am an adult, I can't guaruntee this blog won't contain adult themes, please do not interact if under 18. I use he/him at the time of writing this but neutural is fine.
Well, let's see how this goes.
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